ON BEING A MOTHER/PARENT - CLASS ON SELF WORTH

  ON BEING A MOTHER / PARENT

  LESSON ON SELF WORTH

Mothers provide the life blood, mind energy, and soul food, to every child who needs it, in order to flourish. Fathers show us how to survive; mothers teach us how to blossom. Mothers help to nurture, the unfolding of the soul, of the child. But when a mother does not know, she is a mother or how to mother, the children around her become lost. They learn the wrong lesson. She is not sensitive to their needs. Her words are spoken harshly and actions are abrupt. She is authoritarian. She knows the rules of mothering but does not possess the grace. The grace of the mother’s love will break the rules, when it is necessary in order to nourish a child.                          

NOT GOOD ENOUGH FEELING

In the face of an authoritarian mother or caretaker, a child’s growth is stunted. The child will have an unfolded heart. It is too difficult, even painful, for them to express, how they feel, or what they need. Unexpressed feelings and needs lead to anger and fear. Eventually they grow up to be a bad parent, with a closed heart. Children learn early in life, that adults place value on perceived beauty. Children who are not valued and protected feel that they are not beautiful and worthy of protection. The truth is that beauty is, on the inside not out there.                     

SENSE OF BELONGING 

Children yearn for their parent’s approval. They need to belong and this important need motivates our behavior in life. A little girls relationship with her father, impacts her relationship with men, in real life. Why are girls, into people pleasing, all the time? You cannot make people like you, no matter how hard you try.

NEED FOR ACCEPTANCE & APPROVAL

The lesson is: What you think about yourself, is more important, than what others think about you? Since you do not get external acceptance, and approval, you are desperately seeking; you reinforce the belief, that you are neither worthy nor valuable, or good enough. You continue to work harder, in the wrong direction, learning the lesson, upside down. Parents and role models distract you, from yourself. They are uncomfortable, giving you unconditional love. They want you to become, something else, apart from what you already are. They focus on your transformation and make sure that you are not content as you are. This implies that you are worthless. You are unworthy, undeserving, and not good enough. They teach you the wrong lesson to be dishonest with yourself. This is the starting point, of all future sufferings and miseries to come. 

  DADDY’S GIRL

All little girls, want to be loved, praised, and protected by their daddies. A daddy is a hero to his little girl, even if the whole world thinks, he is a bum. Daddy can do no wrong, except to hurt mommy. No girl wants to disappoint her daddy, so she tries very hard. Girls loved to be swooped up for a good job done, by their daddies, which is an essential element to the tender budding psyche of hers. No matter what is going on in the little girls’ life, she believes that her daddy can fix it, save her, and make everything better, even if, he cannot. Little girls learn a lot from the women, they grow up around, whether they are related or not. Older women are like midwives, who assist in the birth, of a young woman’s consciousness. Young girls with budding breasts and plump round bottoms need woman hood training, in the sacred art and science of becoming a woman. She must be extremely sensitive, of her feminine side, as it grows within her and through her.

MENTORING THE YOUNG PARENTS

Aim of parenting the children :

Structure their THINKING PROCESS

Build up SELF CONFIDENCE

Sharpen the INTELLECT

Enhance SELF ESTEEM

Facilitate DECISION MAKING

STOOP DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL

What do children like the most ? Fun, laughter & Playing games of make believe. I mean stupid games too. Act dumb often & see the magic happen. They have no BOX yet to think inside. Their creativity in unmatched & limitless.

Should the process of parenting be tough or simple ? Of course it must be extremely easy, such that even the child does not realize that he or she is being mentored at all.  

 WINNING WITH STRATEGY

Here we go….. The master strategy is all about QUESTIONS & more questions. We should not be TELLING them anything at all. They do not listen, anyway to our preaching nor do they believe a word of it. Their attitude is FIRST PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH. Consider this retort to be a silent reply from their side. This tells us pretty loudly that  they are adept COPY CATS / Imitating monkeys & we have to straighten our own act. 

SELF ASSESSMENT & INTROSPECTION

The first series of questions that  arise is for ourselves.

Do we make enough time to listen to them?

Do we spend time out doors exercising, walking, playing games, before telling them to do the same?

Do we swear in the company of our children?

Why do we shout at our spouses & them for silly reasons?

Do we get upset & display anger over trivial matters?

Do we converse slowly, calmly, softly or NO?

Do we appreciate each other often?

Do we give meaningful complements when the situation demands.

Do the children often find us dull, sulking & off mood?

I am sure that all of the above are applicable in most of us. If yes then, what next. They are going to pick up, absorb & imbibe all our negative traits automatically. THE ANSWER IS CHANGE, TRANSFORM, REFINE, REFORM SELF FIRST.

RE-FRAME YOUR COMMANDS INTO REQUESTS - sugar coat them with humility additionally.

Dear child, do you mind cleaning up the mess of scattered toys, alone or with mommy/daddy?

My sweet child, when will be the best time to finish your homework, before or after dinner?

My love, which of the chores would you prefer to take up : dish washing or folding up clothes?

Sweetheart, what is the best time for you to go to bed on school days : 8 or 9 pm.

Darling, will it be a good time saving idea to line up your uniform & bag at night : YES OR NO ?

My doll, can you ring the bell when you have done brushing up your teeth for the night?   

A word of caution - Shouting & Shooting out commands at small / tiny beings will definitely make  PERFECT REBELS out of them. Go ahead with your ancient up bringing & stubborn habits. 

TRAIN THEM TO THINK FOR THEMSELVES - OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS - have lots of patience

Is any issue bothering you?

Do you wish to panic & rush through in life?

What should you be doing to be at peace always?

If there is this Creation, Should there be a Creator?

What are you thinking right now?

Is it possible to slow down your thoughts/thinking?

What skills do you want to acquire?

Do you wish to learn & master any musical instrument?

Which sport will suit your personality?

You can take advantage of your height to compete in athletics & excel too?

Is public display of your personal emotion like anger, a healthy norm?

What will bring a lasting smile on your face?

  

GIVE THEM MULTIPLE CHOICES - TWO ARE MANDATORY.

Honey, where do you wish to celebrate your next birthday, at home or out in the public gardens?

Darling, for your graduation party, do you want to procure a new expensive gown or rent one for a small price?

My love, where should we plan our next family summer vacation, far away or near by?

Sweet heart, do you approve or disapprove of the continuous ingesting of harmful substances like cigarettes & alcohol?

SPEEDING UP THE PROCESS - This is a trap for them & a difficult one to escape from. Their decision becomes binding on them. It is good for both the child & the young parents.

INVOLVE THEM IN DOMESTIC/BUSINESS AFFAIRS - FOR CREATIVE SOLUTIONS

Can you help me in putting this IKEA bed together, please?

I would highly appreciate, your expertise in computers to fix my email glitch?

Our coffee table needs a new paint job, could you kindly pitch in during the week ends/holidays?

The family car has a flat tire, can we change it together as a Formula One team?

Our back yard could look fabulous with a minor trimming & hedge cutting, if you can lend a hand dear?

We need an extra pair of dexterous hands to help out in the kitchen, dear child, are you game for it?

SKILL DEVELOPMENT ON THE SIDE  - This system will encourage team work, co-operation, shouldering responsibility & natural bonding.   

WHEN CHILDREN ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS - be ready for them.

Firstly there are no wrong questions from a child's point of view. Every question is logical & genuine for the small developing brain.

Why is the sky blue?
Where do babies come from?
How the initial water on the planet appeared?
Why do we have to fight wars?
What is the difference between Virtues & Vices.

MAKING SEEKERS OUT OF THEM

Answer every question of theirs very very briefly. Use one or two words only & wait for their reactions. Follow up your two words with another standard QUESTION - My child, WHAT DO YOU THINK can be the possible answer. This is a million dollar strategy to get them to become a SEEKER / THINKER. The biggest development of your child will happen during this moment. Their self esteem gets a big boost,  sense of worthiness blossoms. They feels accepted as they are & feels Valued by the world.

THE VALUE OF NOT KNOWING

Answer all their stupid questions as if they are extremely meaningful. The second most important strategy is being HONEST ABOUT NOT KNOWING THE ANSWER to some of their questions. Say humbly & but clearly, my child, I DO NOT KNOW the answer to this question of yours. This will teach them the most important lesson of life - THAT PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW MANY THINGS and it is very very NORMAL thing, to, not to know. Once they do not know & this realization sits in their Intellect, then SEEKING will happen. I will go to the extent & pretend that I do not know on 50 % of the occasions. I will openly admit that I DO NOT KNOW just to enjoy the reaction of shock on their faces - DAD, REALLY YOU DO NOT KNOW? Of course my child, but we will try to seek the truth behind your question together. This togetherness business will create the bonding that lasts for their full life time.

Personally, I was fortunate enough to have a strong self-esteem because of my parents and close relatives. More credit goes to my mother for grooming me up in all areas of personality development. She insisted on sending us to boarding schools, Lawrence school Sanawar. It was the best thing that happened to me specially. At home I was the apprentice to my doctor dad, and helper assistant to my mom. She taught me how to shop for fresh and good vegetables, by looking for their firmness, texture, and color. My father taught me to be humble, helpful and I picked up invaluable bedside manners from him by being with him. A good doctor is 80% bedside manners & 20% real Anatomy / Medicine, because the cause of the illness / disease is in the invisible body & emotions which are recreating the malady despite the treatments - go figure.

Rohit Khanna -  Easy yogi